When I was pregnant with my first child, I, through tears, asked Husband what would happen if we couldn't handle having a kid. He said that it was just hard work and that we can do hard work. He was right. While it was harder work than either of us had ever done, we could do it. We knew there would be a lot of sacrifices. No more big vacations, spending would be pared down, no driving out of town for concerts, not as much time to lounge and watch TV. Life-style changes for sure, but completely handle-able and foreseeable.
The first few months after our oldest child was born were extremely hard but after the first year we began to find our feet again. Sure we never went to the movies together anymore or went out to dinner anywhere without a kids menu and booths, but we found our rhythm. We still felt like us. I still felt like me. Becoming a mom augmented who I was. It didn't replace who I was.
It's been much more difficult since the twins were born. The jump from a family of three to a family of five is a long jump (maybe a triple jump. A pole vault?). The sacrifices are even bigger. We pay an astronomical amount to make sure our kids can go to daycare so that I can go to work. There isn't any time where we're not working that we can truly relax besides the time after the kids are all asleep but before we succumb to slumber ourselves. Now it's not just no big vacations, but no vacations that don't involve staying at a relative's house (Also, ask any parent of a small child, a vacation with your children is not a vacation, it's a trip).
There is little space for me or what I used to think of as me. The things I thought I was working towards are no longer feasible. There isn't time for the activities that I used to enjoy. Every ounce of energy is put towards treading water. To keeping myself from drowning.
I realize that Husband and I are lucky. We're two college educated adults with good careers and zero student debt (thanks Mom and Dad!). I know that a lot of people out there do not have the advantages that we do. This makes me even more depressed. If I constantly feel like I'm about to slip under the surface, then how does anyone else do this?
People tell me that it will be better when they're in school or when they're all seven or eight years old. They say that like it's helpful to me right now. Like I have this store of energy that I can pull up to get me through the next six or seven years. YEARS. So I'm left trying to find other solutions. I'm left to examine which other parts of myself that I used to think were essential, were intrinsically me, I can let go of to make space for Mom.