Before I had kids I knew that becoming a parent would change my perspective on things and potentially change some of my opinions. I used to preface statements with, "I don't have kids but...." then whatever the opinion was.
I don't have kids but....
They really should put headphones on that kid! Why is he playing that game at the table in
the restaurant with the sound AT FULL VOLUME!
people use "but the CHILDREN" as their cover for their awful opinions way too much.
Maybe they shouldn't be letting that kid crawl all over the floor in this store. I almost
stepped on her!
I don't think that the government should be able to legislate a woman's body.
After I have kids, I'll still be able to have a career in the same way I did before.
Most of these are still true, but I have a lot more sympathy for the parents who shoved a device in front of their kid without headphones or let their kid crawl on the floor. Sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do. People still use "but the CHILDREN" as cover for really stupid or small minded opinions (attend one public hearing about a controversial new business or construction project and you'll hear this line more than once) and the government should not be able to legislate a woman's reproductive health.
The thought that sticks with me the most and that has been the hardest to deal with is the thought that I was still going to be able to work the same way that I did before. I wasn't naive enough to believe that my life would go on as it had. That we would still go to dinner as often, that we'd watch the same shows, that I'd get to hang out with friends or go on vacation like we did before. I knew that things would change, I just thought that work would go on the same.
In my brain I had foreseen dropping the kid(s) off at daycare, going to work, and then coming home at the end of the day and having dinner and putting the kid(s) to bed. And yeah, on a normal/perfect day that is what happens. The part that doesn't get accounted for in that plan is the unforeseen circumstances that arise constantly when you're a parent.
Yesterday Husband and I got a message from our daycare that one of the twins had thrown up and needed to be picked up as quickly as possible. Luckily since vomiting isn't a symptom of COVID-19 we only had to pick up the one kid. But then Husband and I had to figure out who was going to pick him up. Husband was about to start a meeting so it was me. We were lucky in the fact that yesterday was a lighter work day for me and I could go do that. The problem is that not all workdays are light and with three kids these circumstances come up with some frequency. With the ages of our kids (4 and 1), we can't just leave them to their own devices and work for a while and check in as needed. There is no "as needed" we are ALWAYS needed in one way or another.
How are two people supposed to manage the needs of three small children, a dog, a home, and two full-time careers without additional support? Neither of us have family within a two hour drive of our home. While we definitely make a good living, we can't afford additional home support like a nanny or occasional house cleaning. Then with the state of the world what it is right now, our previous emergency response of asking a friend to pick up a kid isn't feasible.
Then I start to think about the future. What happens when my kids want to take piano lessons or go out for soccer? Who is going to take them and then pick them up? Who is going to get them to the practices they need or make sure they have all their equipment? Yeah, I know I shouldn't worry about that yet and take it one day at a time and so many things could be different by then but, sometimes things don't change until you make them. Sometimes you have to force the change you need in your life. Do I just keep living like I don't feel like collapsing every day and hope that everything is better in this mythical future?
So what is it that gives in this situation? Is it reducing my expectations of what kind of life we should be providing our children? Maybe they don't need lessons or extracurricular sports.
Is it reducing what I should expect of my home and it's general level of cleanliness (or lack thereof)? Maybe never having all the bathrooms and kitchen clean at the same time is ok. (I've pretty much already decided this is ok, NOTHING is clean at the same time as anything else)
Is it changing what I expected to get out of my career? Maybe I don't need a promotion or career growth for awhile.
I never expected to have to ask these questions. I had bought into the idea that I could have a family and still be myself. I thought that having children would expand my perspective and experience and it has. But now I am forced face that fact that it has also narrowed the field of opportunities that are available to me.
I wouldn't change having my kids for anything. They are crazy, sweet, smart, ridiculous, frustrating, exciting, fun, little people. I just never expected to have to grieve the life that I had before. Those two things (loving my kids AND grieving the life I had before) can coexist simultaneously without making me a horrible person or the worst mother (I hope anyway).